Why Did I Renew?!

After a slight hiatus, during which I weighed a public versus private writing practice, I decided to take advantage of the level 1 WordPress experience in order to accommodate my fleeting urges to write, without annoying the occasional (and, I’m guessing, accidental) reader with ads. I would be heartbroken if I’d written a deeply personal account of learning that it is possible to find joy among life’s troubles, only to find that readers were confronted with encouragements to try some new remedy for psoriasis. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all in favor of psoriasis sufferers finding relief. I just don’t want “Big Pharma’s” dime underwriting my hobbies. I’d rather pay the fee, and call the tune.

So, after having ponied up the very reasonable year’s subscription, I now find that almost a month has passed without a single pixel having been posted. Maybe I’ve made (yet another) mistake with my petty investments in what ultimately serves as self-entertainment. It isn’t as if I have some unique practice or insight, either lofty or insignificant, to share with the world. Probably the sum total of topics about which I could write are comprised of:

  • My experiences in dealing with cancer and kidney disease
  • My experiences in trying to discover a centering philosophy
  • My experiences in trying to adjust to the mistake of retiring to the wrong place
  • My experiences in loving, and losing, beloved dogs

It is plain that the essence of these topics is “my experience”. I will carefully avoid offering advice on how to deal with chronic illness, how to winnow through the mountain of philosophic thought, how to choose the best retirement locale, or how to care for dogs and deal with grief. All I can honestly do is write about what it all feels like to me, and hope that the reader finds any useful seeds of ideas to make better sense of their own experiences. That being the case, I suppose I’ll make the effort to continue.

If one were to read farther back in the articles posted here they would discover that the bulk of entries are about the closing months, and eventual end of life of my beloved sidekick, Jessie. She was, in my estimation throughout her life, and now in my memory, the best dog in the whole world, even though she probably wouldn’t deserve such a title if her life and antics were given objective judgement. After her passing I offered a few ragged posts that were, at heart, about my grief. I’ll add an update to this meandering posting.

I still grieve. I’m sure there are reasons for the intensity and tenacity of this sense of loss, but I haven’t yet ferreted them all out. The good news is that, gradually, the sun, and the world’s colorfulness, have increased their intensity to where they once were in my view. I can often talk about Jessie with others for handfuls of minutes, only showing tears after I’ve slipped away alone. In the interim since my last post on this subject I have discovered a way to memorialize Jessie that I have come to find very helpful. It is not my idea, nor do I know who originated it. The memorial consists of one of Jessie’s water bowls (it could easily have been a food bowl) wrapped with her last collar, and then converted to a planter (succulents and cactus in this case). I added a photo of Jessie to complete the effect.

In this way I am able to give care to her memory every day when I open the blinds to let in the sun, and weekly when watering. I’ll pause in those moments, and others, to profess aloud how badly I miss her company. I don’t apply any magic to this practice. I know that Jessie is not really here with me, and cannot appreciate that I love her memory. I suppose that it is just that I had such a reservoir of caring for that dog, and this allows me to keep it flowing toward the living memorial of her.